The Distractables - your ADHD friends

Hello. Welcome to the distractibles, a podcast about ADHD tips and tricks. My name is Marie. I'm your co host. I'm the founder of Llama Life, which is a productivity app designed for people with ADHD to help with tasks and routines.

And I'm here with my friend, Jesse J. Anderson.

Hey, I'm Jesse. I'm the author of Extra Focus, the quick start guide to adult ADHD. And I also run a weekly newsletter, cleverly also named Extra Focus.

And we're here today with Ryan Mayer. Ryan is a certified ADHD coach on a mission to empower others to navigate the storms in their lives caused by ADHD and other invisible disabilities.

Um, Ryan's a fellow ADHD er as well. And today we're going to be talking about an interesting topic, um, ADHD in the house. So ADHD at home. How do you deal with managing your household, keeping things up to date, getting those boring chores done? Hey, Ryan, welcome to the show.

I am a distractible, so I belong here.

This is perfect. And I'm so glad that I am here because this helps me To generate extra focus, the book by Jesse J. Anderson, your, your fellow co host. Um, you can see from here that I've actually read a pretty good amount of it. And for those who are just listening, I have a bunch of bookmarks and papers and folded edges.

Yeah, that looks

like a well used book. That's good.

You're doing well, you're doing well. I struggle with reading a lot, so This is right here on the

top shelf.

Nice.

I am so glad to be here though, and I was saying before we hit record, normally Housekeeping is the word, the code word for tune out and look at your phone now at the beginning of every event, but we're talking about keeping your house.

So this is a whole different ballgame. So pay attention, everyone. We're going to have some fun.

Yeah. And we wanted, we really wanted to talk with Ryan about this topic because, uh, one of the ways I know Ryan is, um, through a live. Series that he does on Instagram called folding with friends and it really, it's a pretty novel idea.

I think it's a body doubling thing where Ryan just gets on every now and again and, and folds his laundry and encourages people to come on and fold their laundry and do other things. It doesn't always have to be about folding laundry, right, Ryan? It can just be do, do whatever you need to, but there's a body doubling thing happening live.

And that's kind of one of the ways we know each other.

Yeah, and I would love to have Marie provide the little testimonial that she mentioned right before. So, Marie, can you tell your audience? Sure, sure. How was it on Folding With Friends for you?

It was great. It was great. Like, body doubling really does work for me.

It does. And, you know, folding laundry and putting laundry away is something that I find quite challenging. Um, it's a very boring task for me, but I got on Folding With Friends with Ryan and yes, I actually did put my laundry away and I did fold my laundry and I got it done pretty quickly as well. I believe I got it done before we finished the session.

You did. And I

moved on to some other stuff.

Yeah. It

was really helpful.

Yeah. And that's, it's something that obviously all of us have laundry and none of us want to do it for the most part. And so I figured, why don't I just make it fun by inviting 500, 000 of my closest friends to watch my wife and I fold our laundry and one of the questions we get, because I know that Marie and Jesse both know this, but you listeners My wife and I have three kids under the age of eight.

Andrea, my wife is a physical therapist in a hospital setting, and I, uh, play basketball a couple times a week. So the point of mentioning all that is we generate a lot of stinky laundry. So people will literally ask during the live, Is that all really your laundry? And was this all really from this week?

And we always are like, , these aren't props. Like these are all actual clothes that we have to do every week. And what's amazing is when we don't do it during folding with friends, if we're not, if we don't work on our laundry, then it doesn't happen. So it just proves the point of body doubling, having a routine, making it novel and interesting because I conversation's going to go.

So I don't even really have to think about what I'm doing. Cause I'm enjoying the conversation.

Yeah, I think that

folding.

Yeah, I think the funny thing with like body doubling is it's like one of those things that it just doesn't seem like it should work. Um, but whenever I do it, whenever, like, if I'm trying to do some paperwork or something like that, just like hopping on a zoom call with somebody where they're working on something else.

There's like some weird magical property that suddenly I find this ability to get that stuff done. Um, and like you're saying, sometimes, like, the laundry thing is great because , you're basically, kind of busying your mind with the conversation, and then you're just kind of like, You know, your, your arms or whatever, like going through the routine of getting the thing done while you're focused on the conversation.

Whenever I'm doing chores around the house, they're so boring and I hate it and I don't want to do it. And I'm like, there's no dopamine here. So I basically do zero chores unless I have my headphones in. And that is the way that I'm able to get stuff done around the house.

I'm getting the dopamine of like, Oh, I get to listen to my favorite podcast or whatever it is, or, or there's a new album from one of my favorite bands. I can crank that up and listen to that. And then I'm just sort of going through the motions of like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn or whatever it is.

While really when I, when I'm focused on is whatever I've got kind of pumping into my ears, um, so that that can provide the dopamine that just, you know, Isn't at all present for the chores.

Yeah. Yeah. Same. So what you're saying is you can set it. And forget it in a way. Yeah,

I definitely think when you're doing the chores, it's so boring that you've got one half of your brain going, this is boring.

This is boring. This is boring. I want to do something else. And it's super restless. And so when you listen to something else, like a podcast that sort of takes care and entertains that part of your brain, then the other part can know, go on automatic mode and just do the chores. And I, I even go like, one step further where I go, I'll listen to one of my favorite podcasts, but I can only listen to it when I'm doing chores.

So I kind of save it for that. And I'm like, okay, well you want to listen to it, then you got to do the chores. And that sort of, that helps me as well. And I think because the podcast is like half an hour or something like that, , I'm going to do the chores until the end of the podcast or to the end of the show or whatever it is.

So then I know there's like a fixed time as well. So that sort of helps me. Yeah,

it's a bit of gamification too, because like, okay, I can totally push myself. I can do this for another 15 minutes or whatever. And when I saw, I actually saw this, I think you put this in extra focus, Jesse, about listening to something.

And so when I read that part, I was like, Oh, cool. I didn't even know that we both did that already. But I was like, that's just like me. That's why. I see a lot of other people in our neighborhood will get a lawn care service and They've stopped by or dropped off flyers and I had like a neighborhood kid say, Hey, you know, Mr.

Mayor, can I mow your lawn? Like, step back kid, because this is my time. This is the only time I get to be essentially alone and read. That's how I read. Like, and, and Andrea will be like, why does it take you so long to mow the lawn? And I'll go, I had a really good book I was listening to, so I'm to make sure those edges were super crisp.

Um, but yeah, so I actually ended up literally looking forward to mowing the lawn because just like you, when Marie, when you were saying like, that's the incentive. I'm so excited because I'm like, Ooh, I just got this book. Like, I can't wait to listen.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Totally. Yeah.

What about, um, other types of chores?

Like doing the dishes and stuff like that?, I saw this hack on I can't remember where I think it was Instagram basically, what I do now is I Boil the kettle because I like drinking a hot drink So I fill the kettle and I'll boil the kettle And that will take like a, you know, a minute or two minutes or something.

And while I'm boiling the kettle, I'll do the dishes. And I try and do the dishes before the kettle finishes. So there's kind of, yeah, again, it's like a competition. It's like a challenge. You make it a little challenge. Little time box thing there. And I'm like, okay, cool. Uh, all right. The kettle's on, it's starting.

And then I'm like, okay, quickly fill up the sink. And like, You know, get everything clean, everything, rinse it off. And I'm like, yep, I'm done. And then I'm like, okay, I can have my hot drink. So I kind of do that. And that for some weird reason, the kettle thing really works for me. It really, I don't know.

It's like, cause I have to flick the switch as well. There's a physical part of it where I flicked the switch to turn the kettle on. And I'm like, okay, go, go. And it's weird. It's really weird. It's like a marker. It's like, I can feel the switch go. And then I'm like, all right, go start. And. It

reminds me of when I'm talking with my clients, uh, because as you heard in the intro, I'm an ADHD coach.

It's so tempting for us with ADHD to judge ourselves unnecessarily. Like, so wait, I need to boil the kettle just to do that thing?

Yeah.

And so it might feel or sound weird, the things we do. We have figured out that work,

but

who cares? People will ask me , don't you feel weird that you're like folding your underwear, on the internet?

And I say, no, because that's how I able to get it done. And we set a timer as well. And so we're racing the clock, but we're also having fun, but it keeps me on track because if we didn't have the timer, , I would just talk and Andrea has to be like, uh, Ryan laundry or people will say in the comments, like, Hey, are you doing any laundry or is it just Andrea?

Uh, so, so like kind of sprinkling in all these little tips and tricks that we know about,

but

you can sort of bring them in. Like all these different parts of life and bring them. In da house. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. I feel like a common thing that's come up in a lot of these episodes so far is exactly that.

They're like the feeling, the shame for the way that we figure out how to do things. And yeah, I a hundred percent agree with what you're saying. It's like, who cares what you have to do to make it done? It doesn't matter. The point is figuring out a way that works with your brain.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Sometimes it means like there's some extra little things you have to do or extra hacks or whatever it is to trick your brain. But if that works for you, then awesome. You found the way that works with your brain. Um, and I think that, I think that's awesome. That's not something to feel bad about.

You know, the whole idea of like, Oh, well, you're supposed to do it this way or whatever. It's like that, no, that is that way. Maybe I'm supposed to do that according to someone else's standard. But the reality is that's just not going to work for me. That's just not how my brain functions

and

I'm done feeling bad for that.

Yes. No more, no more feeling guilty and bad just because my way isn't the quote unquote common way. Exactly.

Yeah. A hundred percent. I mean, I think, you know, a year ago. Or, or, yeah, a year ago, I probably wouldn't have even said what I just said, you know, admitted that I have to turn the kettle on in order to do the dishes or, you know, listen to podcasts to do some chores.

But I think for me, for me, a lot of it's like acceptance as well. Like, I just feel like that's part of my journey is like, I'm much more accepting of myself and how I am. And the more I talk about it with people, the more they can understand, like, that's just, it's just how I am. And that's, that, that's, that's how I get stuff done.

And I. Recently, I want to give credit where credit's due. Um, I don't know if either of you know, uh, Dave Thompson from, um, potentia, uh, anyway, he's, he's really good guy and, um, neurodivergent. And he said, we need to take things from being so formal, make them, um, less formal and more normal. So like, let's, let's normalize things so that who cares, just get it done.

Whether it's at home, at work or whatever, as long as we get the result, which, you know, cleaning up or doing the dishes or putting the laundry away, as long as the thing gets done, that's what we're after in the end.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, being an ADHD coach, I imagine you see these sort of things we're talking about a lot with people struggling with kind of the common household chores or just feeling guilty about the way they do things.

Yeah. Absolutely. And I'd love to just sort of hear maybe some of , your perspective on that. And maybe some of the other common things that people come to coaching with, like those common struggles people are coming with of like, please help me. I need, I need a coach because I'm running into these issues in my life.

Totally.

And thanks for asking that question because I think There's a lot of folks out there that don't really understand. Well, what is an ADHD specific coach? Someone who is an ADHD coach doesn't necessarily have to have ADHD, but it's really helpful if you do, because for someone like me, who I'm still battling this every single day, I can just relate to the clients on such a deep level and.

I've had people just sobbing on an intro call because they're saying, Oh my gosh, you understand me. I've felt so ashamed of how I am my whole life and just talking with you. I can tell you get it.

Um,

so even literally today I was talking with a perspective client. And, uh, she's a successful, uh, real estate agent, and she was talking about wanting to be able to start her day at a certain time and how, no matter how hard she wants to, or if she sets the alarm or does all of the standard tips that we hear from society, it doesn't really work.

And. I think both of you will totally understand this part struggle getting started and struggle stopping. Jesse, this is also in your book I remember this because I, I know your illustrator, um, and the, the picture of the speeding train where it takes a lot of energy to get.

Yeah. The train moving and that's us in the morning. Like, it's hard. There has to be specific things we do to get out of the station. But then once we're going, we don't want to stop. And it takes a lot of energy for us to stop and transition. So, so I was talking to her about, hey, there's a lot of different ways we can do this.

So there's that part of it. Um, and. Like, I'm thinking back to one of my clients who is a mom, she's a single mom, so she's gotta not only think about getting herself ready for the day, but also getting her kids ready. But it's not just that, that simple. And I think that's one of the struggles too for those of us with ADHD or other neurodivergent conditions.

People think that get ready is a single line item, but really it's not. Because when, when we stop to think about it for more than a nanosecond, this means we're going to have to be dressed.

We're going to have to, if we want our hot beverage that has to be ready, or if we're going to stop somewhere to pick it up, the kids are going to have to be ready because we have to bring them along to drop them off at school. But wait, they have to be dressed and usually they want nourishment before they leave too, and that's going to take time because they don't want to wake up when you say time to wake up, um, and I can't hold it against them because we're big fans of the snooze button so you can see very quickly, there's a lot more to it.

And so what I will talk to my clients about is try to backload, so to speak, like backload the tasks, like do as much as you can the night before. Uh, Because all that stuff that you think, Oh, I'll have plenty of time. Well, you know, that you never really have that time because whether it's you hit snooze or you're standing in your closet, looking at your clothes, like you've never seen them before.

And you're like, what am I going to wear? Um, whereas if you set that out ahead of time. So anyway, that was one example is, or two examples from clients, but there's a lot in the professional world, but what I think is important for people to hear out there. I call it fingerprints of ADHD. It's like there's ADHD everywhere that we touch.

And that doesn't stop when we leave our offices, whether you work remotely or in a physical office. So. Yes, there's going to be struggles at work, but that carries over to home too. Um, so for other clients, it's being present with their kids. So shutting down work, putting their devices away. Like that's thinking about that is scary for us.

Um, And then connecting with their significant other, I can't tell you, I have to whisper because my wife's in the other room, how hard it is to pay attention to like a late night discussion when I know there's so much work to do, or I might have a notification to check, but I know what's more important.

So in order to make sure myself and my clients are able to. improve the odds of them keeping their promises to themselves so that they're not upset with themselves the next day. We, we just do what we need to do to hit that goal. So in this case, it could just be, I'm going to give away this really big piece of advice, this piece of coaching.

So if you haven't been listening closely, here's the. Free coaching right now. Charge your phone away from your bed. Yeah. . I was gonna,

yeah, I was gonna say the same. .

Yeah, it's like one of, you know, oh, it can't be that easy. Really? Have you tried it? Because as soon as I did that and my clients who have tried it, like Ryan, this changes everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

So I know there's plenty more we could go into, but those are some examples, Jesse.

Yeah, those are, those are great. you kind of reminded me of a couple of things I wanted to mention also. So talking about the, yeah, get ready in the morning and like, Oh, , that's actually 20 tasks and you often aren't thinking about what all of those, uh, you know, contain.

It sort of reminds me , with, My kids sometimes will do like little chore charts, uh, for them getting work done. And the thing that really helps a lot is picturing, what does this look like when it's done? Like, rather than just saying like, Hey, um, you know, clean up your stuff from school or whatever.

It's like, Oh, what does this look like when it's done? The jacket is hanging on this hook and the backpack is over here and your computers are over on this desk and they're plugged into the charger and being able to see that, like, what is it supposed to look like at its end state at that finish line?

Like that can make it a lot easier, I think, to get those chores done. Um, , that's like a home example, uh, but I have that problem with work too. Sometimes if I have a project. And I don't really know what it's supposed to look like at the end. Oh my

gosh, totally. And

I will just dawdle on it and like I'll, I'll just be stuck.

And sometimes I won't even know that I'm stuck. And the reason is just like, I don't know what it's supposed to look like at the end. And so I'm just sort of swimming in circles, and that's, that's what my kids are often doing with their chores, because they don't know how it's supposed to look.

They're just sort of pushing things around and moving things, but not actually making the progress that they think they're, they're trying to make.

Yeah. I also try and think of how am I going to feel at the end? Like sometimes I make a feel good list, like. If I get these three things done or even just one, how good am I going to feel after that?

I'm going to feel so relieved. I'm just going to feel like I can do something else and without any guilt. And I try and focus on that feeling a lot. It doesn't always work. But I think the point, the point of this podcast is to gather a lot of different tips and figure out what works in that moment, because something that works today might not work tomorrow.

It just depends on how you're feeling and your brains wants to behave at the time. But, but sometimes I'm like, okay, how am I going to feel? Am I going to feel good after this? And just go, how good would it feel? And then that, that sometimes is enough to push me over, over the line. Um,

I

just want to build on one thing that Ryan said about the, you know, charge your phone in the other room.

Um, when you tell your clients that, are you also saying like set, set an alarm on that phone? Like it's not just, not just putting the phone out of your reach, but actually having your morning alarm on the phone. So you have to literally get out of bed to turn it off.

Yes, that's absolutely part of it. Um, it's kind of a, you know, a dual purpose suggestion because one, you get to set the alarm so it forces you to get out of bed,

but

then the opposite is what you want. At during nighttime, which is, ah, I can't fall asleep. And normally it's like, I always say like, reach your arm out.

Is your phone within arm's reach? Okay. That means it's too close. And it's, it's funny because I underestimate my own laziness

and

when I charge it, literally I can see it. It's like 10 feet away. It's still in the room. And it's like, I can't sleep now, like sit up a little bit and look and I'm like, nah, nah, I'm not going to get

too far

away.

And then I'm like, okay, cool. So then they say, well, what if I don't want to forget this thing that I'm like, ruminating about? No problem. They just came out with these new things. They're called notebooks and you can put them next to your bed or even like a stack of sticky notes or whatever.

Yeah.

Um, and that's what I do.

I just have a little notebook next to my bed and I have a ton of things in there. Because when, when you allow yourself to pause enough that you don't need to just distract yourself, it's like, Oh yeah, I meant to do that. Let me write it down. And then in the morning, I just have this routine of, I look at that list and I transfer it over to whatever, you know, physical or, uh, digital.

Yeah. So I tell people it's that the two benefit, you stay in bed and you don't look at your phone, but then you have to get out of bed because you're too annoyed about the alarm.

Yeah, on the alarm front, like, I don't think this video is on YouTube anymore. It was a few years ago, but it was a really funny, extreme example of what we're talking about.

So there was this guy, and he lived in an apartment building, and he had trouble getting out of bed. So what he used to do was, he put his phone, like he set his morning alarm, and he put his phone in a lockbox. And he put that lockbox outside of his apartment. Down the elevator and in like the front lobby of the apartment building.

And so every morning when the alarm went off, he had two, he had one in his room, but then he had one downstairs. So the one in his room was to get him up, but he knew that he would have to get dressed, go downstairs into the lobby, like down the elevator, into the lobby, open the lockbox, and turn it off. Otherwise, he would wake the whole building.

Yeah. And

that got him out of bed, so he'd have two different alarms, yeah.

That leverages the people pleasing of like, oh no, we don't want to upset other people. Yeah.

I have to

get down there. Yeah.

Yeah.

And you've got to put it far enough away that you would actually wake up. Because if you can kind of stumble over, turn it off, and then like, with your eyes half closed and then stumble back to bed, that won't help. You have to, it has to be fully like, you know, at least like 30 seconds away, I think, from where your bed is.

At least for me. Anyway.

I love that idea of having a notebook by the bed the whole thing of like, Oh, I've got a brilliant idea. I had to write this down. And then I, you know, grab my phone to write it down and I don't write it down. I go straight to know, some slot machine where I'm scrolling, you know, Like, Oh, is there anything cool on threads on Instagram and my email?

Like, and there never is, but now that idea is long gone. I never wrote it down because

once

you grab that little handheld dopamine machine and you go straight for the dopamine, I love the idea of a nope. And like, it's like, Oh, the phone's out of reach. Oh, well I could just, you know, write it down here real quick.

And then I might actually save that brilliant business idea that I had at 2am.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys ever, um, tried the gray scale thing? Like, so, so on my phone after a certain time, so I've got an Android phone and after a certain time, like it can turn. Automatically turn on grayscale for the whole screen, and that helps a little bit because it doesn't feel as sort of dopamine y.

And I think on iPhone you can do a similar thing, where you can Like change the colors and make it grayscale. Does that help you guys?

I went, I went extreme where there's an app that's basically like a widget and it kind of makes your phone mimic the, what's it, the light phone where instead of having a bunch of app icons, it just has kind of like a list of like words you can tap to open email or whatever.

My

friend make, my friend makes that up.

Oh, does he really? Yeah. Oh, nice. I think there's a few different

ones, but he makes one of them.

Yeah. So I, I found one, downloaded it, set it all up. It was awesome. And then like an hour later I was like, I hate this. I want my pretty icons and everything back.

I think it's too tempting.

, if it was properly the light phone. So for those who don't know that the light phone is like a really basic dumb down. What's not a smartphone? It's basically like just you can make calls, messages, and yeah, you've got maps and maybe some basic internet stuff, but there's no colorful icons.

It's not like a massive app store or anything. And it's just a list of words. When you turn it on, it just says like phone messages. Maps, et cetera.

Yeah. I feel like it's a great promise. And then with that, you're stuck. You can't switch like I did, but from what I've heard, a lot of people, the reviews really just say that , the problem is it only does a few functions and then it does those really poorly.

And so people said, texting on it is actually really, really difficult, which makes it feel painful to use. Um, and stuff like that. Which kind of bummed me out because I was like, Oh, because I have to do stuff like that all the time where I'm like, I force myself to have to use something that I know is going to be better for me that I'm not going to otherwise choose.

You have to kind of like force yourself into, you know, kind of like you, you said with like the kettle thing, it's like you can't ignore. When the kettle goes off, like you have to handle it. So you're kind of like setting yourself up to have to respond to something. Um, and I, I kind of try to do that sometimes.

So I was, I was kind of sad to hear that the light phone was, uh, maybe not the solution for me, but maybe the next one will.

It's interesting , as you both told those stories, it reminded me of two of my clients, uh, for two different things. One, when Marie told the story about the guy in the apartment complex with the alarm, um, I had a client of mine who, because he is ADHD and he, uh, did, um, programming.

Um, he could do it at whatever time. Um, and he lived in the Midwest, but had worked for a West coast company. So then it was these strange hours. So he was basically living at nighttime. Um, so then his wife, who was a successful attorney. Was sleeping and so we came up with this pretty clever yet simple system to help him And it was funny because when I first started working with him, he had purchased all these smart lights and he had like rigged up his whole house with this whole like cascade of like, at this time, these lights go off at this time.

These I'm like, Whoa, but I did

the same thing.

Yeah. Okay. So you guys would, you guys would get along great. So he was like, these are great, but it doesn't help me. I need something that'll help me. I'm like, okay. Yeah. So we did what I called setting a time bomb. So he's like, all right, I'm going to text you.

And I'm like, my notifications are off. So text me whatever time I won't see it till the next day. And he's like, I'm going to start working for an hour at like, we'll call it two 30 in the morning. And then. He had an egg timer that he would set for an hour and he would set it right outside his bedroom door where his wife and their dog.

And so then now all of a sudden you're definitely paying attention to how much time is passing because you're going to be in deep trouble. Um, because the thing's going to ring, the dog's going to wake up, start barking. Your wife's gonna make, what are you doing? So that worked really well. And then when you were talking about the light phone, I had a client who, uh, he actually used his old.

Cell phone. It's kind of like what we do with our kids is they get our old phone. So they're not making calls, but they can use it to like, look at apps and pictures and whatever. Um, so he did that and use that as his light phone. So he had like, a couple apps on it. He still had the alarm clock, but he.

Couldn't check his email and stuff like that. Um, so he used that as his bedroom phone. Um, so that way it was like simple, just used it for like the basic functions.

I came up with something specifically for our conversation tonight and it's My simple nine step process of , what you can do with your family and your significant other. But obviously I'm sort of kidding, but just listen and I'll take a picture of it and we can put it in the show notes perhaps.

But my wife and I used to get in fights all the time because I wouldn't notice because of my ADHD, that something. Was whether there was clutter or the toilet was dirty or, uh, the dishes were, you know, there was one dish or, you know, something that was, you know, she didn't like that, but I didn't realize.

And then you add up a whole bunch of those. And then all of a sudden there's this explosion where. My wife says like, , you never do anything, you never help. And I'm like, Whoa, wait a second. Hold on. Did you ever ask me? Like, all you have to do is ask I'm here. We're a team. Like, what do you need?

And she's like, I shouldn't have to ask you. And, and that's so many of my clients struggle with this. And it's like, I wish you didn't have to ask me either, but we have to make it work for my brain. And so we have to put visual reminders or else I'm not gonna, I'm not going to remember to do it. That's just.

So I came up with this little phrase earlier today on my tiny piece of paper. It says realization, communication, expectation, gamification, visualization, documentation, Location, repetition and creative expression. I feel like I'm at like a poem, a poetry slam reading. Um, . Yeah,

I was, I was trying to figure out was that an acronym?

But I think it's not a c it was

No, no. R

give gpa. .

riv. Um, no, it was the Can you TION, like the realization communication. Mm-Hmm. Expectation. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gamification. Um. So we've talked about a lot of them, the shins, what you shouldn't and shouldn't do. Um, so here's one thing that we came up with. And again, if someone's just listening, I'm holding up a hand written sign on a sticky note that I've reinforced with packaging tape so that it's waterproof.

And what my wife does now is whenever she runs the dishwasher. So we do like divide and conquer and. I've just told her, like, I just have this aversion to loading the dishwasher. I don't know why, but that's just what it is. Um, so she'll load it and she'll start it. And then when it started, she will hang, uh, this note says clean on it in really big letters and underlined.

So then she'll put that on there. And then that catches my attention because it wasn't there last time when I walked in the room and I'll go, Oh, So then we've agreed, and this is the expectation, communication, visualization, repetition like, I just know when I see this big note that says clean, That means Ryan has agreed.

He will empty it. So now we're on the same page. So then there can't be room for resentment. Um, but then there's other times like, well, wait a minute. What day is it? And today happens to be Wednesday and today is trash day. Um, admit. So I'm holding up a full size eight and a half by 11. That says today's trash day.

That has a office trash can and a garbage bag as Ryan's reminder. And I have clients that I'll ask them, like, what day is garbage day for you? And then I'll literally send them a picture of this. And we have a laugh about like, thanks for the reminder. I totally forgot. Um, so my tip for that, for everybody is.

Make it visual, and this is fun for me because while we were talking, I was like coloring all this, which helped me to pay attention. Um, so just do it in whatever way you need to. It's a huge, like bright pink piece of paper, so I can't miss it. I've tried little sticky notes and that doesn't work for me.

It's got to be humongous. And last thing. I like that it's physical

as well because you can redraw that too. So if after a while it could just. Become like wallpaper and you don't notice it because it's the same thing, like the clean thing as well, the clean post it. But,, but because it's physical and it's kind of throwaway as well, you can just recreate this every week in a different design.

So then it will catch your attention. Cause it's exactly.

Yeah. Um, and then my very last one, and this one looks kind of boring cause you can tell the neurotypical in the house made it. Um, but there was a lot of resentment around. My time blindness, because in the mornings, like we said earlier, I just don't realize what time it is and I don't, I can't recognize the passage of time.

So then. Andrea, my wife, would get frustrated when I'm just getting out of the shower and she has to be leaving in like 10 minutes and we're still trying to like get the kids ready and, um, load the bags in the car. So, I'm holding up right now this schedule. Ryan set his own alarm please. Tuesday, Thursday.

Hubby help. Um, so now we have time stamps. 615, 645, 650. Like, and it's very just like direct Ryan rise, shower, get dressed, pour coffee, put things into the car, blend the smoothie, put it in the car, load bags in the car, load kids into the car. Andrea pulls out of driveway. So again, going all the way back to the start of the episode, some people might think like, okay, you're a grown.

Human, like, really, you need this? You shouldn't, I'm using air quotes, need that. And just like we, all three of us are saying, who cares? Because now my wife is happy. I am happy because she's not upset with me and I don't have rejection sensitivity.

Um,

so anyway, the whole point that I tell my clients and I want all the listeners to hear is do whatever you have to, to help you to remember.

And if you have a partner as well, to kind of get it out in the open. And set that expectation that, you know, I want to help, I want to do this, but my brain just works a bit differently. Um, there is an app that can help you with that, Ryan. Create that routine. It's called Llama Life.

I've heard of it. I use it literally every single day.

Um, I, I mentioned it and you know, it is kind of a soft plug, but I do mention it because , a lot of our, um, community members use it for routines, exactly like what you just said, like six o'clock, six 15, and some of these, some of these little steps, like two minutes or three minutes, but, and I use it myself for this and it really just helps keep you on track because I've done that click, click, click.

Ryan, if people want to find you online, where, where can they, where can they find you?

Well, I first just want to say I had so much fun. I knew we would have fun. So thank you for having me and thank you both for the work that you're doing every day to help to make this more normal and less formal.

And I'm just. Grateful to have you both as friends, uh, in this whole thing. Um, but yes, if, if there's listeners out there that are looking for a little bit more, uh, personalized support, I'm here to help because the way I like to describe it is I've become the resource I always needed, but could never find.

So I just had to, Become that for other people. Um, so you can find me at Ryan mayor coaching. com, which is M a Y E R. Um, and then on many of the socials, I'm, um, at ADHD coach Ryan or at ADHD coach Ryan mayor. Um, but yeah, I have group coaching, one on one coaching, and even recently AI coaching with robo Ryan.

So if you're wondering about that, come book a call with me. It's free. We'd love to learn how I can help.

And, and also folding with friends.

Oh my gosh. And if you, yeah, folding with friends, even if it's not for laundry, uh, it's every single week, 8 45 PM Eastern on Tuesdays. Um, and I'm proud to say we've done it.

We've only missed two Tuesdays in like two years, which is crazy. So again, thanks for having me and just everyone who's listening, just know you're not alone and it is hard, but that's okay. Cause we're in it together.

Nice. Thanks. And Jesse, where can, where can people find you?

Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, ADHD, Jesse on all the, all the socials, uh, whatever their names might be, uh, today or tomorrow or the next day.

Um, and you can find my book extra focus, um, wherever books are sold. And my newsletter is at extra focus. com. Um, and how about you and the aforementioned Llama Life? Where can people go to check that out, Marie?

Um, so you can find me on Twitter. Uh, I'm at three hour coffee. That's spelled out three hour coffee and, uh, Llama Life, llamalife.

co on the web, or just search for Llama Life on the app store, iOS and Android. Thank you so much, Ryan. This has been great. Um, and yeah, we'll see everyone on the next pod.

ADHD in the house.